Teaching is the hardest thing. ever.

(From the teacher in the group...)

this is not me writing. this is me spilling..
teaching is the hardest thing. ever.
when someone walks out of your room, and you think "well good thing she's gone" - you know it's not what you're really thinking. where is she going? what did i do wrong? or..what didn't i do right?? when she walks out the door, she feels like she's won for less than a second before she becomes empty. "shit. what am i supposed to do now. how can i get out of this one" but her pride keeps pushing her to push it.. so she leaves my class. and i can't chase her down the hall. i have 18 other kids that are.. ready to learn.
i explain something that doesnt even make sense to me. my kids are lost.
im still authority. ive worked and have the attention of the class, but have nothing of use to give them. there's something they need to be taught, but i don't know it enough to teach them. i didn't take english in high school. im wasting their time.
vanshay is arguing with me - she already took a half hour bathroom break in the last teacher's lesson, and i am the law-enforcer. bathroom privileges are revoked.
but jazzming wants to go in the hall to talk to her cousins..family problems. if she walks out, she's not allowed back. but i don't want her to leave. she doesn't like authority and hates that i make her raise her hand because she's not a child. she has a child. a one-year-old.
kimberly's sitting with her head on her desk again, but i know if i call on her she'll be the first to break down the causes, threats and solutions to global warming and any plague of injustice in our society.
new kid in the back won't even break out a pencil - but he'll take it if i give it to him. sits next to david and keeps him quiet cause they haven't figured each other out yet. can they trust each other. first time david hasn't talked all afternoon.
don'yea laughs when the class laughs, but doesnt speak unless spoken to. must be a magnet kid.

jazzming is fed up with my rules.. i won't listen to her nless she raises her hand. she won't raise her hand. she's not a child.. and walks out. it's her last time. and i don't know where she's gone.. but she's not coming back.
my classroom wasn't right for her.. but i dont know if it could've been, or if i didnt do something right.
don't think im trying to save her - she has her own. i just dont know where it is..cause it’s outside of here. and it makes me wonder if it could've been here. i just didn't know enough do enough see enough be enough to make it here.
am i being idealistic?
teaching is the hardest thing. ever.