Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Getting over heartbreak

I’ve been gone for a while
Out of myself for some time
Trying to muster a drop of creativity to write this blog

Don’t think I’ve forgotten where I belong

The problem is that I had to

…remove myself from the academic world
and almost anything else related to it

I spent the summer settling
getting over a heartbreak
crying to Sade’s sweet voice
…somebody already broke my heart…

I had to break it off with the academic world, its politics, and its players…
at least for a breath

Now, after some time, I am ready.
I realized that I wasn’t upset with the entire field of women’s studies
but with one of its participants
Sad to say it was my academic advisor
One of the only black women on campus to head an academic department

I let her play favorites
throw out excuses as to why, as one of her poorest students, I wasn’t given an award I was nominated for
the gist of her response to me: You have a full fellowship, what the f**k you complaining about!

In the end, she was right
I couldn’t complain
my voice shattered along with my heart.

Was this the women’s studies I signed up for?
I wanted a place//space//group/
that was welcoming, supportive, willing to understand

I wanted a director who recognized that even with a full fellowship
I am a student of color with limited means
I still need to pay the rent, satisfy the growling of my stomach, feed my brain, and all that other jazz
I don’t have access to my parents' bank accounts—there are actually none to speak of
and my minimum wage job will only get me so far

I survived the summer
spent some time pleading with the mailwoman to stop delivering outstanding balances
stealing tomatoes and onions from my mom’s fridge

…yet, here I am…
I survived one heartbreak
ready to try again.

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